When I was 13 I had a fierce obsession with the teen-pop trio
- Hanson. Mmm Bop caught my ear like
a dog whistle and sent me straight into a solid 9 months of pure boy-band
worship. The three adorable teens with
their unabashedly long hair and pure Oklahoma souls reflected the joyous nights
my sisters and I would sing our way through our after-dinner chores, and
tackled every need my pubescent soul had for love, acknowledgement, and
joy. I was so enthralled by the trio
that no matter how embarrassed other people told me I should be, I was
completely immune to the harassment. My elder sister would not-so-sneakily
bring her friends to my bedroom to laugh at my shrine of teen magazine prints
covering every inch of my walls… blonde, gap tooth boys grinning innocently in
their pukka shells and leather wrist bands. They would point and laugh and I
would beam at my collection; I was truly in love.
How powerful an idol can be, when even in your most
vulnerable condition (peer pressure on a 13 year old girl!), you are immune to
the effects of the world. My story and
my kindship with my idols was so solid in my mind, nothing could break me
down. As years passed and I moved on to
other obsessions (boyfriends), the leaflets and magazine articles of Isaac,
Taylor, and Zac fell away to make room for teenage romantic love and plenty of identity
crises.
During my time on my spiritual journey I’ve been criticised
for leaping from teaching to teaching, and have been absolutely baffled by the
groupie followings that some teachers or either self-proclaimed or fandom named
“Gurus” have acquired. I think my first
lesson with Hanson was a great gift in acknowledging the ephemerality and
projection of the Idol. During a wonderful session with Ram
Dass and Eckhart Tolle in 2011, Eckhart brought up the point where Oprah asked
Eckhart “You’re not a Guru, are you?”. Eckhart was fully tickled by the thought
of it, and answered “No of course not, but I have learned of people having my
photo on their desk, and it surprised me”.
He continues to explain he has a photo of the Indian sage Ramana
Maharshi that gives him a sense of deep stillness and peace. “But I also knew
that was not the form I was looking at, that was me… It acted like a mirror... What you see is your own essential
reality, reflected to you”.
A Guru can serve as wonderful image of projection, but we
must remember that the holiness and deserved-worshipness comes from our own
selves, our own stories, our own ideas of who these beings are. Every
reflection of oneness and love from the image of Jesus or Buddha or your Guru
or Pop-Idol comes from a place within you that recognizes that talent, that
skill, that genius, and that wholeness within yourself. A separate being cannot impose upon you a
definition of themselves or of any purpose. It is our interpretation of these
other things that give them their power, and when we are able to recognize this
ability, we can realize that power is within ourselves. That Guru looks at you
through that picture on the altar to remind you, just as Mufasa did for Simba
through the thunderclouds on the Saharan horizon, “I live in you”.
When the Bible warns us against worshiping false idols, as
does A Course in Miracles, the
meaning lies in the interpretation that your idol holds some power that you do
not, so you wish to be close to that idol to somehow learn or accumulate the
healing you think you need. In A Course
in Miracles, the Christ says (the formlessness/consciousness of the person
Jesus) “I have nothing that you don’t have, it’s just that I have nothing else.”.
In Reality, the power the idol holds is only recognizable
because you already have it, and if you assume the Other is needed to achieve
that state then your ego is keeping you separate from your Oneness. Your ego is
keeping you from recognising your own holiness, your own godliness.
So next time your Guru or Pop Idol comes into your view and
you swoon or fall on your knees in desperate worship of the joy they bring to
you, remember they are just there to remind you of the power you already hold
within yourself. You are the fierceness
and power and genius that they hold. Your witness to it makes it so.
Namaste. Om Mani Padme Hum. Bless you. May the force be with
you. Mmm Bop. Amen.
9 years into my journey with "Post Viral Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome" (which has a fun mix bag of other names like Myalgic Encaphalomyalitis, the laughable Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and the new and shiny American name Systemic Exertion Intolerance Disease), I get to review the world and my life through the lense of someone with a moderately unique experience. Here are 10 things I hope anyone going through a rough time can find help from, in the form of commiseration, comradery, and ultimately optimism.
These 10 Lessons are in order of how I learned them :D
1. You can use your Bachelors and Masters degrees as tissues to wipe your tears from the mourning you will do over the loss of your career dreams.
This isn't true for everyone, but if you're chronically ill to the point where you can't work full time your career dreams suddenly become quite limited. I became ill at the end of my bachelors degree and knew I had to pursue my dreams in order to have a life worth living, but wasn't diagnosed until after I started my Master's degree. Even then I didn't know what that meant for my future. For a couple years after I graduated I tried to keep up with the industry events and once-in-a-lifetime opportunities but it became too much. I managed to do some freelance work as a contractor, but being in the Biz and most others requires you to put your genius into your 10,000 hours. My can-do-work-to-the-bone attitude just wasn't going to work anymore, so eventually I took whatever jobs worked for me and experienced some great and not so great opportunities, and learned a lot. I have some industry heroes that I look up to that work their full time dream jobs despite their chronic illness, and I still hold them in my inspiration every day. You just have to find what works for you in the moment and realize life still has plans for you. I haven't completely given up on my dreams, but I have detached myself from how I'll come to meet them. You absolutely can and should still pursue your dreams, but let go of the need to do it the way that society tells you you should. (You do still get to keep that cozy blanket of student debt though. The only way I manage to mentally handle this is to say "at least it's still less than a mortgage...")
PS right now I have the best job ever at Conscious 2
2. When doctors can't find a physiological reason for your illness after some basic tests, they STILL direct you towards mental health professionals.
When my dad was a kid, the doctor couldn't figure out what his asthma was so he told him it was psychosomatic. Today, the same can happen if you have something that doesn't have a lot of scientific research behind it, and you can be sent to therapy. I'm in this cool group of sickies where we are simultaneously told we can't donate our blood or organs and I was even sent a letter from the CDC after the XMRV research asking me not to reproduce (this was later retracted and an apology was sent out to patients)... but then I also don't have a real illness enough to apply for benefits or treatments and I'm still told it's all in my head.... bizarre? No wonder I'm crazy....
This isn't completely horrible though, as the mental health world has evolved in amazing ways and has actually really helped me to cope with my limitations. The mind-body connection is becoming more greatly understood, and while my illness is not caused by a mental illness, managing stress and learning how to emotionally cope with the challenges of this kind of life are essential to finding happiness moving forward. This is one of those things like eating vegetables and getting proper exercise that would help anyone no matter where they are in their life. So after the initial anger as being written off as a head case, I embraced the options available to me and met some really amazingly wonderful people that helped me to feel enormously better.
3. The "safety net" of government programs to help the disabled is more like a flimsy "safety string".
When I was living in America, I tried to get some disability assistance. I was denied anything I applied for because I had somehow proven myself to be too resourceful. Thankfully my condition doesn't require constant medical attention, but my healthcare bills were still SO high with my self-employed insurance that I never had any money left for anything other than my medical bills. This is a major problem in America, and while the UK system is not perfect, the NHS will save my life if need be and my family won't be bankrupt for it. Through this you learn one stellar lesson: Resourcefulness. I lived the stereotypical American lifestyle of uber-consumption, which since living in Europe has become glaringly obvious to me. You can live with a lot less than you think, and it's amazing how many stories you can have in your head about your entitlement to stupid products that do nothing for your life or the good of the world. You also find that the things you REALLY want (and more importantly, need) have a way of finding their way to you. In the mean time I'm passionate about moving towards a society that has better compassion for the sick and needy.
4. Who your real friends are, and how you have very little patience for people who give you grief.
The hard times in life quickly show you who your real friends are. I was absolutely shocked by how many people abandoned me quickly when I became ill, and how many even accused me of being lazy or faking it. I have to admit, even some of my closest friends had their doubts at first but the point is they eventually came to see how I was suffering and changed their tune and stayed by my side. You also become fast friends with other people you never thought you would because they have suffered like you have.
5. Meditation
It's one of those prescriptions that's good for everyone, but particularly for chronic illness because you live with pain and discomfort nearly every moment of your life. Meditation helps you find the quiet between thoughts so you can actually experience relief. You can remove any layer of story or emotion with the physical symptoms and realize they are two different kinds of pain and you can find the peace in your mind. You start to develop a clear understanding of the dual mind, yourself and the one that witnesses yourself. Your body, your mind, your ego, your spirit, you have different perspectives upon which to experience your life and meditation helps you to separate these and handle one at a time, and turn the dial down on the intensity of discomfort. This may or may not be a spiritual practice for you, meditation on it's own as a health practice has completely non-spiritual uses, but it's pretty hard not to become inspired in the quiet places between thoughts.
6. Letting Go
There's a point where you get so uncomfortable with how things are that it just becomes comical (literally you are sobbing and then you burst out laughing because it's all so dramatic and ridiculous). I've had so many of these moments that I'm now in an almost constant state of non-attachment. We live in a society that thrives on self-motivation and goal oriented action. Pull up your bootstraps and grab the bull by the horns. Chronic illness has showed me another way to be. I still have direction and goals, but my methods are to go with the flow. I'm less attached to specific outcomes and desires and am more able to receive what comes (and I enjoy it more because of that). You can tell you're holding on really tight when something just keeps making you miserable and you can't find a way out of it. Sometimes there isn't a solution other than a change in perception. That's why I'm a student of A Course in Miracles. It's a text based on Eastern and Western religious themes that funnels the lessons into psychological discourses that help you perceive the world in a new way. So I'm not in "the biz", but my life has still had some AMAZING surprises for me.
7. Compassion
When you experience great suffering, your heart gets broken wide open. People fear this phenomenon their whole lives, never letting their heart open for fear it will destroy them. The reality is, the worst that can happen is that you feel some pain and have a really good cry (or three... a day.... for years....) and the incredible gift that you receive through this is compassion. You suddenly feel deeply for your fellow human beings and animals and all sentience on Earth. When you allow your heart to be broken open you have suddenly invited love you never knew to rush in. It can be overwhelming at times, but you know it when you see someone you've just met and you mention you've had a hard time and they look you in the eyes and they say " I know how that is". It's a priceless gift that I recommend to everyone to practice compassion and opening your heart. And one more note on compassion and having an open heart: this is not in any way a sign of weakness, but one of great strength. To be willing to feel the pain and allow it to help you grow is a massive sign of courage.
8. Miracles still exist for you
While things didn't turn out quite like I had planned (my life looks NOTHING like I EVER imagined it would!), miracles have taken the wheel and helped me see and experience things I never could have planned for. To see the miracles you need to practice mostly the "Let it Go" part because a lot of people are so wrapped up in what they didn't get, they miss the miracles right in front of them. Non-attachment becomes the gateway through which you receive the most beautiful gifts in life. I fell in love and moved to Europe, I got to get my master's degree in an area I love and spent the best three years of my life meeting my best friends for life at UCLA (I wouldn't have applied if I hadn't gotten so ill and made the decision I need to follow my heart). I live every day with my best friend and partner in life who teaches me the greatest joy and acceptance I've ever known, and somehow, someway, the most incredible freelance jobs have come my way that I am still absolutely swimming in gratitude for having had the experiences. The trick is... you have to open your eyes to the miracles. Gratitude is absolutely the easiest way for you to start seeing that there are more miracles in your life than grievances. It's more than worth the little effort. 9. Your story matters.
It's easy to feel invisible and lonely when you spend 90% of your time healing. I've spent so much time in bed looking out the window that sometimes I feel like I know more about the trees waving at me all day than I do about the people in my life. The best way to describe it is that my life is very slow. I have little energy and few resources so my life moves very very slow, but it still moves.
Every day my symptoms improve. Every day I'm getting stronger. Every day I receive new miracles, every day there is some joy to be had, every day the story continues. The important thing to remember is that you have a choice about what story you tell yourself, and this is something I hope to do more work on in the coming months. No matter who you are, you are here for a reason, and you are so important. As I read the other day; "God is incomplete without you". You are a part of the story of evolution, of the expansion of the universe, and your part is VERY important, as you, exactly as you are.
10. You are every bit as valuable as you are than if you were somehow in some other dimension living the life you "should have" had.
Facebook, as wonderful as it is, has the nasty side effect of putting us in a funk when we look at everyone else's "highlight reels". We see the best of everyone else's life and can easily feel down about where we are in this moment. I encourage you again to meditate, to take yourself outside of yourself and see your life as a grand moment of expression. Even when I was working jobs that seemed quite below my ability, I went to work with the intention every day that I may be of service. I had no doubt in my mind that even though I was working below my talents and what I was capable of, I was here for a reason, I was here to learn and to be of service in any way I could be, and I knew that keeping that in mind I would be led to where I was of most use. I would be led to where I was called and I would find my joy through patience, gratitude, and service. With this attitude my life quickly moves from good scenario to better scenario, and even though I'm not where my fellow 30 year-olds are in life, I have a good life and plenty of joy, and I know that I am not sacrificing one bit of my integrity to live it. Your value is not summed up by your salary or assets, it is decided by the purity of your actions and the clarity of your intentions.
Brightest blessings, I hope you feel better every day.
Lesson 72 in the course of miracles: Holding grievances is an attack on God's plan for salvation.
I still struggle from time to time with the Christian language in A Course in Miracles, but I followed today's lesson instructions and chanted "What is my salvation, Father? Help me know my salvation". This was a frustrating meditation because I don't know what salvation means, and I don't understand talking to a "Father". But I meditated. I gave myself more than 15 minutes because I had to keep reminding myself to stop chanting in my head and just LISTEN. I listened. I listened to the washing machine tumble and the de-humidifier hum. I heard thoughts and let them go. I flexed all my brain muscles to dis-engage with thought. I heard the birds chirping and the cars drive by outside. I heard a voice in my head get really frustrated and say " This is just a mind game! This is stupid! There's no god, there's no magic hippy spirituality, this is a mind game. This is a puzzle. This is all about your perception and letting go of story and seeing the truth with your mind. Let's go back to non-spirit. Let's go to non-duality. Let's go to where none of this stupid meditating stuff matters." Then I cleared my head again and sat quiet. And the answer was so clear and smack-dab-stupid-easy. I heard a bird chirping right outside the window and a car drive by, and with clarity I heard "nothing matters. none of this matters. in the human experience everything is so very very dramatic, but here, HERE, nothing matters, so you might as well enjoy. "
And the peace, the clarity, the Knowing was there. I felt suddenly freed up of energy, empowered, and absolutely delighted to take on the contrast of problem and solution in this human life experience. This isn't an apathetic, "nothing matters", this is an energetic, endless possibility of "nothing matters". What an invitation to play.
Courageous is the soul, Jenny, who adventures into time and space to learn of their divinity. For while they cannot lose, they can think they have, and the loss will seem intolerable. And while they cannot fail, they can think they have, and the pain will seem unbearable. And while they cannot ever be less than they truly are - powerful, eternal, and loved - they can think they are, and all hope will seem lost.
And therein lies their test. A test of perceptions: of what to focus on, of what to believe in, in spite of appearances.
It was the early years of puberty when I first remember experiencing moments of self-aware consciousness. I would be surrounded by my pre-teen cosmetics, looking in the mirror, attempting to turn myself into a model from Seventeen, when suddenly my thoughts would stop and it would just be me, vulnerable, freckle-faced, cone-headed, big eared, 12 year old Jenny, staring back at me.
My stories of being a Barbizon model or Indiana Jones or Peter pan were all instantly gone, and I was alone with myself. It was terrifying. I became extremely "self conscious", completely convinced that the Jenny I was seeing was entirely inadequate for the world in which I lived. I had to live in stories in order to pretend I was some how capable of "making it".
I look back now, after nearly 20 years of extremely challenging experiences that catapulted me (as they do) into higher awareness and self exploration, and I'm baffled by the sense of dread that overcame me when I was in consciousness with my selves (the self that saw me, and the self that was aware of seeing me, and the self that was extremely offended that I had to be exposed to seeing me).
Now when I have consciousness of my self, I see all those things I love and aspired to be. I am Harry Potter and Britney Spears and Iron man. I am Sailor Moon and Samwise Gamgee and Reese Witherspoon. Through the years of self-discovery I can see now that everything and every story that cherish and enjoy is an integral part of what makes me Jenny in this human experience, and I love every bit of it.
Our first experiences of self-consciousness can be terrifying because we're suddenly exposed to the stories we are forcing ourselves to live up to; and we're suddenly awake on the surface level to all the fears that we have about our inadequacies. We're trying to be something we aren't, because we're convinced that who we really are is a fraud, here by accident, and if you can just pretend long enough that you're as good as everyone else, maybe you'll be invited into the tribe and people will take care of you when you're sick or old or dying.
If we're willing to continue to re-visit our own self-awareness; if we're willing to see those fears and understand them and work through them; if we're willing to burn in our humiliation to the point where burning is just kinda something we all do and isn't it funny and look how we all burn the same and boy do I feel closer to you now that I know we're all burned up... then the comfort and joy we sought in our stories will become our reality.
My lesson today from A Course in Miracles is Lesson 33: There is another way of looking at the world.
I'm aware that one part of me sees the world as an exhausted, adrenaline addicted, neurotic, materialistic, and unconsciously humming machine, where anyone who needs help is an excessive expense, a burden, a hinderance on the progression of society.
I'm also aware that part of me sees the potential for a world where there is plenty and time and space for joy, comfort, and healing. I see a world where everyone is so well taken care of, that when someone is ill or needs help, everyone else has so much and is so contented, that they all have plenty of time and resources to attend to this person who needs help. Where "here, have this, I don't need it anymore and it's taking up space anyway, so you'd actually be doing me a favor by taking it" is the norm, where resources and energy flow so efficiently that everyone starts to believe very quickly that their needs will be met when they arise. And then, every self-conscious person will look in the mirror and know that they are not only adequate, but that they are an integral, joyful, meaningful, and purposeful part of the human tribe.
Last night I felt the need to post these words on facebook:
"Accepting Fate doesn't mean giving in to a victimized viewpoint of what has happened to you, it means seeing the moment for the true Reality of what Is and realizing that YOU are the infinite creative will of the Universe, literally creating space, time, and the make up of all that is with your thoughts and actions. Feel your power, your might, and the Love that you Are."
And today I came across these two beautiful things that just re-inforced that for me:
In addition, Deepak Chopra has said, "What is God? God is rain and sunshine and earth and sky and molecules and atoms and rainbows just pretending to be a flower. For a little while." Well that is paraphrased, but you get the idea. Namaste!
Now offering 2013, 13 Card Tarot readings! You get one card for each month, with a detailed intuitive interpretation ,and one card for your year and the messages it brings you.
Alright! It's almost 2013! I mean... we can't speak too soon.. apparently the END of 2012 is supposed to be kind of a big deal, but I thought I would start my review of 2012 based on my annual reading I did in January. I have used my 2012 reading to guide me and advise me all year and it has been so accurate!
2012 was the year of Strength 8M for me, with support cards the base and crown chakra, and 4M Authority/The Emperor. This year I needed to own and balance my energy, bringing the spiritual into the very real and physical world.
January: 6 M The Lovers. In January my now boyfriend and love of my life, Matt, came to visit me for the first time in Denver. We spent 10 days together in total romantic bliss, and it was the beginning of our big fat romance that led me to where I am today.
February: Ace of Pentacles, Prosperity Begins. I got a new job opportunity working on an animated web series that kept me employed through February and March. I also attracted a lot of attention with some artwork I had completed at the end of 2011.
March: 6 of Swords, Moving On ... This was a difficult month, my sister and brother in law asked me to move out. They gave me a little bit of time but starting in March the situation was stressful. I had no idea where I would go or what I would do.
April: 5 M The Hierophant : This month I struggled to find the balance between my heart and my brain. I struggled with trusting spirit vs. rationality. I needed a plan for my next move, and after taking a complete leap of faith, decided to start making plans to move to Germany to be with my boyfriend.
May: 14M Patience : In May I packed up my car and drove 3 days to California and stayed with my parents while I organized my emigration. I was awaiting my British Passport and Citizenship to be approved so I could travel through the EU, and was also waiting a buyer for my car. I had to be very patient while I waited out the days for money to come in, and permission to be granted.
June: 21 M The Universe: (also The World) FINALLY! My papers arrived, I sold my car, and by mid June I had all my plans in place. I arrived in Frankfurt on June 28 and the next chapter of my life began. How uncanny has all this been!? It has been magical and completely supported my belief in something bigger than myself guiding me along this journey.
July 2 of Pentacles Movement, Choices, Decisions: This month I had to find a balance in my new life. I was overwhelmed with the new language, new love, and my new life. I quickly became out of balance and got ill, ear infections which I never got , and total exhaustion after a lot of exertion. I had an idea in my head that my new life meant that I would be a brand new me, with no limitations, but I had to learn how to work within my boundaries and still feel good.
August: Sacral Chakra : My Sacral Chakra was SCREAMING at me this month. I had terrible digestive problems as well as menstrual problems. I meditated with sacral chakra meditations every day to try to balance the energy, and doing yoga for lower chakras helped to ease a lot of discomfort. This was a very body-focused month, as the card suggests (this deck is great for concentrating on the body), and come September, the symptoms quickly vanished. I still don't have a good idea why!
September: 0M The Fool: In September I started working on art more, maybe relieving my sacral chakra problems. I got two new jobs and also had a relocation meeting with Matt's company. We're moving to the UK in 2013! I had some health set backs so it was another month that took a lot of patience.
October 6 Wands Victory and Success : In October I started a pledge plan to boost my financial situation and raised a successful bit of money to help me with my bills after some health problems. I shared my story publicly on my other blog and successfully connected with a lot of people, spreading the word about ME, raising awareness, and finding new friends to connect with in recovery. I paid my bills with no stress this month and continued receiving really wonderful art commissions.
November 6 Pentacles Material and Spiritual Prosperity : November was a great month for meditation, and for grounding. Matt had a week off and we really enjoyed Frankfurt, dining out and having a great time spending our time together and fantasizing about next year as we plan to move to the UK. I worked on some emotional therapy with regards to my material wealth and my spiritual relationship to it. I also balanced budgets and set up a very concrete idea of where I am financially, and praying to god to lead me on an abundant and beneficial path for all parties involved.
December Ace of Cups, Love Begins : Obviously it is very early into December but there is already a change in the air. I love the Christmas season. I'm going to be meeting Matt's mom and grandmother next weekend, and I'm sure there will be lots of stories, laughter, and shared love for the boy who stole my heart. I've also connected with some new metaphysical friends which is Lovely! The Ace of Cups also shows up for me when I am very inspired to make good artwork, so I'm looking forward to that! Cheers!
Matt's reading for this year was also uncannily accurate. So Fun! Looking forward to drawing my cards for 2013 in the coming weeks.
How powerful an idol can be, when even in your most
vulnerable condition (peer pressure on a 13 year old girl!), you are immune to
the effects of the world. My story and
my kindship with my idols was so solid in my mind, nothing could break me
down. As years passed and I moved on to
other obsessions (boyfriends), the leaflets and magazine articles of Isaac,
Taylor, and Zac fell away to make room for teenage romantic love and plenty of identity
crises.
