Your Idols are Your Godliness

From Sita Sings the Blues by Nina Paley

When I was 13 I had a fierce obsession with the teen-pop trio - Hanson. Mmm Bop caught my ear like a dog whistle and sent me straight into a solid 9 months of pure boy-band worship.  The three adorable teens with their unabashedly long hair and pure Oklahoma souls reflected the joyous nights my sisters and I would sing our way through our after-dinner chores, and tackled every need my pubescent soul had for love, acknowledgement, and joy.  I was so enthralled by the trio that no matter how embarrassed other people told me I should be, I was completely immune to the harassment. My elder sister would not-so-sneakily bring her friends to my bedroom to laugh at my shrine of teen magazine prints covering every inch of my walls… blonde, gap tooth boys grinning innocently in their pukka shells and leather wrist bands. They would point and laugh and I would beam at my collection; I was truly in love.

How powerful an idol can be, when even in your most vulnerable condition (peer pressure on a 13 year old girl!), you are immune to the effects of the world.  My story and my kindship with my idols was so solid in my mind, nothing could break me down.  As years passed and I moved on to other obsessions (boyfriends), the leaflets and magazine articles of Isaac, Taylor, and Zac fell away to make room for teenage romantic love and plenty of identity crises.

During my time on my spiritual journey I’ve been criticised for leaping from teaching to teaching, and have been absolutely baffled by the groupie followings that some teachers or either self-proclaimed or fandom named “Gurus” have acquired.  I think my first lesson with Hanson was a great gift in acknowledging the ephemerality and projection of the Idol.  During a wonderful session with Ram Dass and Eckhart Tolle in 2011, Eckhart brought up the point where Oprah asked Eckhart “You’re not a Guru, are you?”. Eckhart was fully tickled by the thought of it, and answered “No of course not, but I have learned of people having my photo on their desk, and it surprised me”.  He continues to explain he has a photo of the Indian sage Ramana Maharshi that gives him a sense of deep stillness and peace. “But I also knew that was not the form I was looking at, that was me… It acted like a mirror... What you see is your own essential reality, reflected to you”.

A Guru can serve as wonderful image of projection, but we must remember that the holiness and deserved-worshipness comes from our own selves, our own stories, our own ideas of who these beings are. Every reflection of oneness and love from the image of Jesus or Buddha or your Guru or Pop-Idol comes from a place within you that recognizes that talent, that skill, that genius, and that wholeness within yourself.  A separate being cannot impose upon you a definition of themselves or of any purpose. It is our interpretation of these other things that give them their power, and when we are able to recognize this ability, we can realize that power is within ourselves. That Guru looks at you through that picture on the altar to remind you, just as Mufasa did for Simba through the thunderclouds on the Saharan horizon, “I live in you”.

When the Bible warns us against worshiping false idols, as does A Course in Miracles, the meaning lies in the interpretation that your idol holds some power that you do not, so you wish to be close to that idol to somehow learn or accumulate the healing you think you need. In A Course in Miracles, the Christ says (the formlessness/consciousness of the person Jesus) “I have nothing that you don’t have, it’s just that I have nothing else.”.

In Reality, the power the idol holds is only recognizable because you already have it, and if you assume the Other is needed to achieve that state then your ego is keeping you separate from your Oneness. Your ego is keeping you from recognising your own holiness, your own godliness.

So next time your Guru or Pop Idol comes into your view and you swoon or fall on your knees in desperate worship of the joy they bring to you, remember they are just there to remind you of the power you already hold within yourself.  You are the fierceness and power and genius that they hold. Your witness to it makes it so.

Namaste. Om Mani Padme Hum. Bless you. May the force be with you. Mmm Bop. Amen. 

10 Lessons I Learned from Chronic Illness

9 years into my journey with "Post Viral Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome" (which has a fun mix bag of other names like Myalgic Encaphalomyalitis, the laughable Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and the new and shiny American name Systemic Exertion Intolerance Disease), I get to review the world and my life through the lense of someone with a moderately unique experience.  Here are 10 things I hope anyone going through a rough time can find help from, in the form of commiseration, comradery, and ultimately optimism.

These 10 Lessons are in order of how I learned them :D


1. You can use your Bachelors and Masters degrees as tissues to wipe your tears from the mourning you will do over the loss of your career dreams.

This isn't true for everyone, but if you're chronically ill to the point where you can't work full time your career dreams suddenly become quite limited. I became ill at the end of my bachelors degree and knew I had to pursue my dreams in order to have a life worth living, but wasn't diagnosed until after I started my Master's degree. Even then I didn't know what that meant for my future. For a couple years after I graduated I tried to keep up with the industry events and once-in-a-lifetime opportunities but it became too much. I managed to do some freelance work as a contractor, but being in the Biz and most others requires you to put your genius into your 10,000 hours.  My can-do-work-to-the-bone attitude just wasn't going to work anymore, so eventually I took whatever jobs worked for me and experienced some great and not so great opportunities, and learned a lot.  I have some industry heroes that I look up to that work their full time dream jobs despite their chronic illness, and I still hold them in my inspiration every day. You just have to find what works for you in the moment and realize life still has plans for you.  I haven't completely given up on my dreams, but I have detached myself from how I'll come to meet them. You absolutely can and should still pursue your dreams, but let go of the need to do it the way that society tells you you should. (You do still get to keep that cozy blanket of student debt though. The only way I manage to mentally handle this is to say "at least it's still less than a mortgage...")

PS right now I have the best job ever at Conscious 2 

2. When doctors can't find a physiological reason for your illness after some basic tests, they STILL direct you towards mental health professionals.

When my dad was a kid, the doctor couldn't figure out what his asthma was so he told him it was psychosomatic.  Today, the same can happen if you have something that doesn't have a lot of scientific research behind it, and you can be sent to therapy. I'm in this cool group of sickies where we are simultaneously told we can't donate our blood or organs and I was even sent a letter from the CDC after the XMRV research asking me not to reproduce (this was later retracted and an apology was sent out to patients)... but then I also don't have a real illness enough to apply for benefits or treatments and I'm still told it's all in my head.... bizarre? No wonder I'm crazy....

  This isn't completely horrible though, as the mental health world has evolved in amazing ways and has actually really helped me to cope with my limitations.  The mind-body connection is becoming more greatly understood, and while my illness is not caused by a mental illness, managing stress and learning how to emotionally cope with the challenges of this kind of life are essential to finding happiness moving forward.  This is one of those things like eating vegetables and getting proper exercise that would help anyone no matter where they are in their life.  So after the initial anger as being written off as a head case, I embraced the options available to me and met some really amazingly wonderful people that helped me to feel enormously better.

3. The "safety net" of government programs to help the disabled is more like a flimsy "safety string".

When I was living in America, I tried to get some disability assistance.  I was denied anything I applied for because I had somehow proven myself to be too resourceful.  Thankfully my condition doesn't require constant medical attention, but my healthcare bills were still SO high with my self-employed insurance that I never had any money left for anything other than my medical bills. This is a major problem in America, and while the UK system is not perfect, the NHS will save my life if need be and my family won't be bankrupt for it.  Through this you learn one stellar lesson: Resourcefulness. I lived the stereotypical American lifestyle of uber-consumption, which since living in Europe has become glaringly obvious to me.  You can live with a lot less than you think, and it's amazing how many stories you can have in your head about your entitlement to stupid products that do nothing for your life or the good of the world. You also find that the things you REALLY want (and more importantly, need) have a way of finding their way to you.  In the mean time I'm passionate about moving towards a society that has better compassion for the sick and needy.

4. Who your real friends are, and how you have very little patience for people who give you grief.

The hard times in life quickly show you who your real friends are.  I was absolutely shocked by how many people abandoned me quickly when I became ill, and how many even accused me of being lazy or faking it. I have to admit, even some of my closest friends had their doubts at first but the point is they eventually came to see how I was suffering and changed their tune and stayed by my side.  You also become fast friends with other people you never thought you would because they have suffered like you have.

5. Meditation



 It's one of those prescriptions that's good for everyone, but particularly for chronic illness because you live with pain and discomfort nearly every moment of your life. Meditation helps you find the quiet between thoughts so you can actually experience relief. You can remove any layer of story or emotion with the physical symptoms and realize they are two different kinds of pain and you can find the peace in your mind. You start to develop a clear understanding of the dual mind, yourself and the one that witnesses yourself.  Your body, your mind, your ego, your spirit, you have different perspectives upon which to experience your life and meditation helps you to separate these and handle one at a time, and turn the dial down on the intensity of discomfort. This may or may not be a spiritual practice for you, meditation on it's own as a health practice has completely non-spiritual uses, but it's pretty hard not to become inspired in the quiet places between thoughts.

6. Letting Go

There's a point where you get so uncomfortable with how things are that it just becomes comical (literally you are sobbing and then you burst out laughing because it's all so dramatic and ridiculous). I've had so many of these moments that I'm now in an almost constant state of non-attachment.  We live in a society that thrives on self-motivation and goal oriented action. Pull up your bootstraps and grab the bull by the horns.  Chronic illness has showed me another way to be.  I still have direction and goals, but my methods are to go with the flow.  I'm less attached to specific outcomes and desires and am more able to receive what comes (and I enjoy it more because of that).  You can tell you're holding on really tight when something just keeps making you miserable and you can't find a way out of it. Sometimes there isn't a solution other than a change in perception.  That's why I'm a student of A Course in Miracles. It's a text based on Eastern and Western religious themes that funnels the lessons into psychological discourses that help you perceive the world in a new way.  So I'm not in "the biz", but my life has still had some AMAZING surprises for me.

7. Compassion

When you experience great suffering, your heart gets broken wide open.  People fear this phenomenon their whole lives, never letting their heart open for fear it will destroy them. The reality is, the worst that can happen is that you feel some pain and have a really good cry (or three... a day.... for years....) and the incredible gift that you receive through this is compassion. You suddenly feel deeply for your fellow human beings and animals and all sentience on Earth.  When you allow your heart to be broken open you have suddenly invited love you never knew to rush in. It can be overwhelming at times, but you know it when you see someone you've just met and you mention you've had a hard time and they look you in the eyes and they say " I know how that is".  It's a priceless gift that I recommend to everyone to practice compassion and opening your heart.  And one more note on compassion and having an open heart: this is not in any way a sign of weakness, but one of great strength. To be willing to feel the pain and allow it to help you grow is a massive sign of courage.

8. Miracles still exist for you

While things didn't turn out quite like I had planned (my life looks NOTHING like I EVER imagined it would!), miracles have taken the wheel and helped me see and experience things I never could have planned for.  To see the miracles you need to practice mostly the "Let it Go" part because a lot of people are so wrapped up in what they didn't get, they miss the miracles right in front of them. Non-attachment becomes the gateway through which you receive the most beautiful gifts in life. I fell in love and moved to Europe, I got to get my master's degree in an area I love and spent the best three years of my life meeting my best friends for life at UCLA (I wouldn't have applied if I hadn't gotten so ill and made the decision I need to follow my heart).  I live every day with my best friend and partner in life who teaches me the greatest joy and acceptance I've ever known, and somehow, someway, the most incredible freelance jobs have come my way that I am still absolutely swimming in gratitude for having had the experiences.  The trick is... you have to open your eyes to the miracles. Gratitude is absolutely the easiest way for you to start seeing that there are more miracles in your life than grievances.  It's more than worth the little effort.

9. Your story matters.

It's easy to feel invisible and lonely when you spend 90% of your time healing.  I've spent so much time in bed looking out the window that sometimes I feel like I know more about the trees waving at me all day than I do about the people in my life.  The best way to describe it is that my life is very slow.  I have little energy and few resources so my life moves very very slow, but it still moves. 

my favorite tee from David and Goliath

Every day my symptoms improve. Every day I'm getting stronger. Every day I receive new miracles, every day there is some joy to be had, every day the story continues.  The important thing to remember is that you have a choice about what story you tell yourself, and this is something I hope to do more work on in the coming months.  No matter who you are, you are here for a reason, and you are so important. As I read the other day; "God is incomplete without you". You are a part of the story of evolution, of the expansion of the universe, and your part is VERY important, as you, exactly as you are.

10. You are every bit as valuable as you are than if you were somehow in some other dimension living the life you "should have" had.

Facebook, as wonderful as it is, has the nasty side effect of putting us in a funk when we look at everyone else's "highlight reels".  We see the best of everyone else's life and can easily feel down about where we are in this moment.  I encourage you again to meditate, to take yourself outside of yourself and see your life as a grand moment of expression.  Even when I was working jobs that seemed quite below my ability, I went to work with the intention every day that I may be of service. I had no doubt in my mind that even though I was working below my talents and what I was capable of, I was here for a reason, I was here to learn and to be of service in any way I could be, and I knew that keeping that in mind I would be led to where I was of most use. I would be led to where I was called and I would find my joy through patience, gratitude, and service.  With this attitude my life quickly moves from good scenario to better scenario, and even though I'm not where my fellow 30 year-olds are in life, I have a good life and plenty of joy, and I know that I am not sacrificing one bit of my integrity to live it.  Your value is not summed up by your salary or assets, it is decided by the purity of your actions and the clarity of your intentions.  

Brightest blessings, I hope you feel better every day.

You might as well enjoy.

Lesson 72 in the course of miracles:
Holding grievances is an attack on God's plan for salvation.



I still struggle from time to time with the Christian language in A Course in Miracles, but I followed today's lesson instructions and chanted "What is my salvation, Father? Help me know my salvation".
This was a frustrating meditation because I don't know what salvation means, and I don't understand talking to a "Father". But I meditated. I gave myself more than 15 minutes because I had to keep reminding myself to stop chanting in my head and just LISTEN. I listened. I listened to the washing machine tumble and the de-humidifier hum. I heard thoughts and let them go. I flexed all my brain muscles to dis-engage with thought. I heard the birds chirping and the cars drive by outside. I heard a voice in my head get really frustrated and say " This is just a mind game! This is stupid! There's no god, there's no magic hippy spirituality, this is a mind game. This is a puzzle. This is all about your perception and letting go of story and seeing the truth with your mind. Let's go back to non-spirit. Let's go to non-duality. Let's go to where none of this stupid meditating stuff matters." Then I cleared my head again and sat quiet. And the answer was so clear and smack-dab-stupid-easy.
I heard a bird chirping right outside the window and a car drive by, and with clarity I heard "nothing matters. none of this matters. in the human experience everything is so very very dramatic, but here, HERE, nothing matters, so you might as well enjoy. "



And the peace, the clarity, the Knowing was there. I felt suddenly freed up of energy, empowered, and absolutely delighted to take on the contrast of problem and solution in this human life experience. This isn't an apathetic, "nothing matters", this is an energetic, endless possibility of "nothing matters". What an invitation to play.



Amen.



And then I received Mike Dooley's email, A Note from the Universe:


Courageous is the soul, Jenny, who adventures into time and space to learn of their divinity. For while they cannot lose, they can think they have, and the loss will seem intolerable. And while they cannot fail, they can think they have, and the pain will seem unbearable. And while they cannot ever be less than they truly are - powerful, eternal, and loved - they can think they are, and all hope will seem lost.




And therein lies their test. A test of perceptions: of what to focus on, of what to believe in, in spite of appearances.




Tallyho,

The Universe

Mother

Self-Consciousness

It was the early years of puberty when I first remember experiencing moments of self-aware consciousness. I would be surrounded by my pre-teen cosmetics, looking in the mirror, attempting to turn myself into a model from Seventeen, when suddenly my thoughts would stop and it would just be me, vulnerable, freckle-faced, cone-headed, big eared, 12 year old Jenny, staring back at me.

My stories of being a Barbizon model or Indiana Jones or Peter pan were all instantly gone, and I was alone with myself. It was terrifying. I became extremely "self conscious", completely convinced that the Jenny I was seeing was entirely inadequate for the world in which I lived. I had to live in stories in order to pretend I was some how capable of "making it".

 I look back now, after nearly 20 years of extremely challenging experiences that catapulted me (as they do) into higher awareness and self exploration, and I'm baffled by the sense of dread that overcame me when I was in consciousness with my selves (the self that saw me, and the self that was aware of seeing me, and the self that was extremely offended that I had to be exposed to seeing me).

 Now when I have consciousness of my self, I see all those things I love and aspired to be. I am Harry Potter and Britney Spears and Iron man. I am Sailor Moon and Samwise Gamgee and Reese Witherspoon. Through the years of self-discovery I can see now that everything and every story that  cherish and enjoy is an integral part of what makes me Jenny in this human experience, and I love every bit of it.

Our first experiences of self-consciousness can be terrifying because we're suddenly exposed to the stories we are forcing ourselves to live up to; and we're suddenly awake on the surface level to all the fears that we have about our inadequacies. We're trying to be something we aren't, because we're convinced that who we really are is a fraud, here by accident, and if you can just pretend long enough that you're as good as everyone else, maybe you'll be invited into the tribe and people will take care of you when you're sick or old or dying.

If we're willing to continue to re-visit our own self-awareness; if we're willing to see those fears and understand them and work through them; if we're willing to burn in our humiliation to the point where burning is just kinda something we all do and isn't it funny and look how we all burn the same and boy do I feel closer to you now that I know we're all burned up... then the comfort and joy we sought in our stories will become our reality.

My lesson today from A Course in Miracles is Lesson 33: There is another way of looking at the world.
I'm aware that one part of me sees the world as an exhausted, adrenaline addicted, neurotic, materialistic, and unconsciously humming machine, where anyone who needs help is an excessive expense, a burden, a hinderance on the progression of society.

I'm also aware that part of me sees the potential for a world where there is plenty and time and space for joy, comfort, and healing.  I see a world where everyone is so well taken care of, that when someone is ill or needs help, everyone else has so much and is so contented, that they all have plenty of time and resources to attend to this person who needs help. Where "here, have this, I don't need it anymore and it's taking up space anyway, so you'd actually be doing me a favor by taking it" is the norm, where resources and energy flow so efficiently that everyone starts to believe very quickly that their needs will be met when they arise. And then, every self-conscious person will look in the mirror and know that they are not only adequate, but that they are an integral, joyful, meaningful, and purposeful part of the human tribe.




And also maybe Superman.

You are the Universe

Three minute Sunday thinking/being/loving

Last night I felt the need to post these words on facebook:

"Accepting Fate doesn't mean giving in to a victimized viewpoint of what has happened to you, it means seeing the moment for the true Reality of what Is and realizing that YOU are the infinite creative will of the Universe, literally creating space, time, and the make up of all that is with your thoughts and actions. Feel your power, your might, and the Love that you Are."

And today I came across these two beautiful things that just re-inforced that for me:

Thank you, I F--ing Love Science

Thank you Spirit Science

In addition, Deepak Chopra has said, "What is God? God is rain and sunshine and earth and sky and molecules and atoms and rainbows just pretending to be a flower. For a little while." Well that is paraphrased, but you get the idea. Namaste!

2013 Tarot

Now offering 2013, 13 Card Tarot readings! You get one card for each month, with a detailed intuitive interpretation ,and one card for your year and the messages it brings you.

If you wish to review my beliefs about Tarot, why and how I use it, and my spiritual beliefs, review these blog posts below!
Why and How I use the Tarot 
my-brand-of-spirituality

The price is $20! Click the button below.

Examples below, my boyfriend and I both revealed The Sun for January, and The Hierophant for February! What does it mean?! I'll keep you posted. So much fun!!

Really, a Hermit year for me? I've had enough of the Hermit for the last 10 years, please....

Matt is going to have one hell of an awesome year with work! I'm excited for him!

2012 Review

 Alright! It's almost 2013! I mean... we can't speak too soon.. apparently the END of 2012 is supposed to be kind of a big deal, but I thought I would start my review of 2012 based on my annual reading I did in January. I have used my 2012 reading to guide me and advise me all year and it has been so accurate!

2012 was the year of Strength 8M for me, with support cards the base and crown chakra, and 4M Authority/The Emperor. This year I needed to own and balance my energy, bringing the spiritual into the very real and physical world.

January: 6 M The Lovers. In January my now boyfriend and love of my life, Matt, came to visit me for the first time in Denver. We spent 10 days together in total romantic bliss, and it was the beginning of our big fat romance that led me to where I am today.

February: Ace of Pentacles, Prosperity Begins. I got a new job opportunity working on an animated web series that kept me employed through February and March.  I also attracted a lot of attention with some artwork I had completed at the end of 2011.

March: 6 of Swords, Moving On ... This was a difficult month, my sister and brother in law asked me to move out.  They gave me a little bit of time but starting in March the situation was stressful. I had no idea where I would go or what I would do.

April: 5 M The Hierophant : This month I struggled to find the balance between my heart and my brain. I struggled with trusting spirit vs. rationality. I needed a plan for my next move, and after taking a complete leap of faith, decided to start making plans to move to Germany to be with my boyfriend.

May: 14M Patience : In May I packed up my car and drove 3 days to California and stayed with my parents while I organized my emigration. I was awaiting my British Passport and Citizenship to be approved so I could travel through the EU, and was also waiting a buyer for my car.  I had to be very patient while I waited out the days for money to come in, and permission to be granted.

June: 21 M The Universe: (also The World) FINALLY! My papers arrived, I sold my car, and by mid June I had all my plans in place. I arrived in Frankfurt on June 28 and the next chapter of my life began. How uncanny has all this been!? It has been magical and completely supported my belief in something bigger than myself guiding me along this journey.

July 2 of Pentacles Movement, Choices, Decisions: This month I had to find a balance in my new life. I was overwhelmed with the new language, new love, and my new life. I quickly became out of balance and got ill, ear infections which I never got , and total exhaustion after a lot of exertion.  I had an idea in my head that my new life meant that I would be a brand new me, with no limitations, but I had to learn how to work within my boundaries and still feel good.

August: Sacral Chakra : My Sacral Chakra was SCREAMING at me this month.  I had terrible digestive problems as well as menstrual problems.  I meditated with sacral chakra meditations every day to try to balance the energy, and doing yoga for lower chakras helped to ease a lot of discomfort. This was a very body-focused month, as the card suggests (this deck is great for concentrating on the body), and come September, the symptoms quickly vanished. I still don't have a good idea why!

September: 0M The Fool: In September I started working on art more, maybe relieving my sacral chakra problems. I got two new jobs and also had a relocation meeting with Matt's company. We're moving to the UK in 2013! I had some health set backs so it was another month that took a lot of patience.

October 6 Wands Victory and Success : In October I started a pledge plan to boost my financial situation and raised a successful bit of money to help me with my bills after some health problems.  I shared my story publicly on my other blog  and successfully connected with a lot of people, spreading the word about ME, raising awareness, and finding new friends to connect with in recovery.  I paid my bills with no stress this month and continued receiving really wonderful art commissions.

November 6 Pentacles Material and Spiritual Prosperity : November was a great month for meditation, and for grounding. Matt had a week off and we really enjoyed Frankfurt, dining out and having a great time spending our time together and fantasizing about next year as we plan to move to the UK.  I worked on some emotional therapy with regards to my material wealth and my spiritual relationship to it. I also balanced budgets and set up a very concrete idea of where I am financially, and praying to god to lead me on an abundant and beneficial path for all parties involved.

December Ace of Cups, Love Begins : Obviously it is very early into December but there is already a change in the air. I love the Christmas season. I'm going to be meeting Matt's mom and grandmother next weekend, and I'm sure there will be lots of stories, laughter, and shared love for the boy who stole my heart. I've also connected with some new metaphysical friends which is Lovely! The Ace of Cups also shows up for me when I am very inspired to make good artwork, so I'm looking forward to that! Cheers!

Matt's reading for this year was also uncannily accurate. So Fun! Looking forward to drawing my cards for 2013 in the coming weeks.

Security, Grounding, and Finances

Hallo Spirit Seekers, and Guten Tag from Frankfurt!

It has been far too long since I have blogged for Spirit, (it's been a little difficult since I began my long-cation in Frankfurt, blogger doesn't translate very well!) but I have not been absent from the practice of Spirit. My connection and practice continues to grow every day and I am more and more grateful. The danger of getting too involved in Spirit though is that you can find yourself living very much in your upper three or four Chakras, as I have been doing, feeling a little bit "head up in the clouds", a little woo woo, a little out of touch with reality, and this month, November, is my month of the 6 of Pentacles... time to review my material and physical life, including my finances.  I have really struggled with money since I left graduate school and began my healing journey to cure myself of CFIDS and Fibromyalgia.  I gave myself a year, where I lived off my credit cards and leftover grant money I had been awarded in graduate school, and put everything into healing.  I did extraordinary well for the first 9 months, indeed curing myself of Fibromyalgia, but still struggling with CFIDS which was the original illness anyway.  I had a major crash in autumn of last year, which threw me off my one year goal, and although I had somewhat of a remission in the first part of this year, I crashed again once I got settled into my new life.  Now I am settling and coming out of a relapse and it is time to oversee my affairs, my finances, and my security in this physical world.

In my therapist training there is a VERY simple exercise to see which areas of your life need balancing. You simply draw a circle and divide it into eight parts and label them the following: Family, Friends, Love/Intimacy, Work, Finances, Hobbies, Health, and Spirit. Then you grade each on a scale of 0-10 (0 being despairingly sparse in your life, 10 being excellent).

My chart showed Finances at a 2, extremely low. The rest of my chart was at or above a 5. Family and Health were at a 5, simply because I have been away from my family for 5 months and don't have plans to cross the ocean to see them for about a year, so I miss them quite a bit, and Health because although I am still ill I am confident in my treatments and feel good about moving forward with my health.  So it was very clear to me that although Work was at a 6 (very satisfying, I just wish I could do it more, but I cannot because of my Health), my Finances are really stuck in a rut, and I am going to do a tarot reading to see how to apply all the other areas of my life in regards to Finances so that maybe I can attain more balance in this area of my life.

I started off lighting a candle (in an orange red container as a bonus!) and did a short Root Chakra meditation.  This has one imagine being more securely attached to Ground, more part of this world, Rooted in the physical realm. I'm going to lay out the cards on the ground (there is more room there, and hey, GROUND!) and arrange the cards in a circle as I have them written in the exercise. All cards will correspond to balancing the circle as a whole with the intention of all areas finding balance, but especially in regards to grounding.  As always I ask my inner light and spirit guides acting in my highest interest to protect and guide me in this reading.

This is a 10 card reading, one for each of the areas, one for the focus, and one for final advice and encouragement. (Using the beautiful Gilded Tarot which is the only deck I brought with me to Germany).

Focus for Grounding, Balancing of Finances: 9 of Cups, bringing more joy into life, and satisfaction. The inn keeper gives joy and receives joy and compensation. Focus on your paradise, your bounty is waiting for you. Also, a toast to you for visiting this topic! (so happy!)

Family: 5 of Pentacles, You are realizing that a lot of your beliefs about money come from very old family history and beliefs. Both sides came from extremely hard, laborious, and impoverished families  Generations of coal miners, war veterans, fisherman, and much poverty brought your parents to their lifetimes. Focus on the accomplishments your parents made to create a new story for their abundance. Focus on your siblings' prosperity and new ideals for life and abundance. Every generation creates a new world, and new opportunity for true prosperity.

Friends: 16M The Tower, this could be the hardest to admit, but even your peers who have finally gotten into their dream jobs are still struggling financially. Even your friends working YOUR dream job are struggling financially. Let this remind you that work and finances are not always linked. You do not always have to work extra hard to make the most money. You do not always achieve financial success when you reach one goal. Realize that it is OK for your old dreams to fall away. Be aware that anything can happen, and everything can change at any time. Be present because this too shall pass.
NOTE! I'm  a firm believer in "follow your bliss and the money will come", but what is being presented is an awareness to others' BELIEFS about poverty and money. People can achieve their dreams and still live in poverty consciousness, never awakening to see the gifts and miracles presented to them. Being aware of your wealth is the first step in creating it. If you cannot see it, how can you have it!?

Work: 8 of Wands, Another reminder here that work and finances are not always related. Work is on a much better level for you than finances, and this card shows that your work is moving forward steadily and with ease, even though you cannot devote much time to it due to illness. You are on the right track, just keep moving forward. Right now elements outside of you are moving your work faster than you are putting in. Let it. It will likely mean that the financial gain is not far to follow.

Spirit: Queen of Wands, Your spiritual connection is on FIRE! Answers are arriving before you know the questions. Pursue activity for the sake of the activity alone, not any pre-conceived notion of its worth. You will be honored for who you are, and receive accordingly. Be yourself at all costs. (Going with the notion that I do not always know what is best, Spirit will guide me and I trust and Know that where it guides me is the best way).

Health: Page of Cups, This card as it appears in my Goddess Tarot app always means my boyfriend to me, but it has a slightly different meaning in this deck. The message I got was: It is important to heed good advice now, in regards to your health, and to receive support from those who love you, in any way they can give it. Do not limit your receiving from the ones you love by thinking you know what you should be getting. Be grateful and delighted by the gifts you receive! Especially if they are not what you expect! It may be more healing to your physical body than you realize.

Finances: Queen of Swords, You certainly aren't here because you lack intelligence or discipline (no ma'am!) these are strengths of yours, but it is time to use them in new ways. Change your beliefs about money, finances, and what you "should" have or "need" to have. You know now which ways your past investment did not work, let go of the guilt, ease tension, and move forward.

Hobbies: Two of Cups, You share your life now with another. Your life is undeniably now intertwined. The joy you share together flows into benefit all other areas of your life. Don't be afraid to include his sucess as your own, your being helps him be happier and more successful, so you share these. Every hobby and act of joy you share feeds into the wellness and success of all areas for a more abundant life. Cheers!! (Again, so happy!)

Love: Seven of Pentacles, The relationship you are building is absolutely contributing to a harvest in the physical and material realm in the near future. Together you plant the seeds for an abundant life, and in this joy, all areas will benefit. The material wealth you seek will ripen with your relationship, just be a little more patient for Harvest Day.

Additional advice: 6M The Lovers, Ahhh Amor. I suppose the prince of cups was still related to boyfriend after all. :) .. You have done well to seek and attain Harmony in all areas of your life. Your enourmous growth in the Love section this year is elevating all levels, including finances.  Let him care for you as he wishes to do. Your worth to him is so much more than money. Be here now, you are right where you are meant to be.


This reading has filled me with incredible joy. I don't usually get such a giddy bubbling feeling from a reading, but this reading has been extremely warm, celebratory, and delicious. As a couple, my partner and I are moving to the UK in February which is the beginning of a new prosperous phase certainly with his career, and I need to learn to be OK with accepting that as also my joy and not be so hard on myself for not contributing equally in that area. I know I am contributing in other ways that balance the relationship.

This reading lifted my blue mood right into the rosy light of love.  It's all so clear now too, brushing away the spider webs to get a peak into my subconscious. The tarot is really speaking to me again. :)

Thank you thank you thank you, bright blessings, bright lights, sparkles, rainbows, and ponies to you all.

Now I must rest. zzZZzzz.
oxoxo
Jenny

Beautiful TED talk

You are not your body, great story and fantastic inspiration for me today.

Election Prayer

I posted this photo on Valentine's day as a reminder of Love (Chapter 6 from A Course in Miracles), and came across it again today when I needed it most.... when debating politics. We know what we believe is right, and sometimes feel it is our duty to make another see the "error" in their ways, and this passage reminded me to not only give up the belief that I can be attacked and also take responsibility for the attacking I may also be doing myself. Thus a prayer is in need, as I have written as follows....

Dear God, The Universe, Krishna, Buddha, Jesus, Albert Einstein, Aliens and honorary creatures, to the part of myself that is greater than the parts of myself;

During this argumentative time of the USA Presidential Elections, I pray that you help keep me present and out of ego, and help me to stand awash in the light of truth. 

Let me not be swayed by lies or tempted by tricks. Let me see truth and speak truth. 

I pray for the utmost benefit for all man kind, 

I pray for the wealth and health of all men who should seek it or need it.  

I pray that those who cannot give should not be asked to give, and I pray that those who wish to serve are awakened to their chance to serve.  

I pray for the healing of those who are ill, I pray for prosperity, success, and happiness for all who seek it in their lives. 

 I pray that I may not leave my senses and revert to insanity if I should feel personally attacked by anothers' beliefs.  

I wish to be reminded that I can never be truly attacked.

I pray for my brothers and for myself. 

I pray for what is righteous and what is true, in whatever form you see fit to manifest.

May I serve how you would have me serve. 

May I work how you would have me work.

May I speak as you would have me speak.

And OH! my infinitely generous and loving reality, May I receive as you would have me receive!

Amen

Happeh For You

I try to remember to collect great images I see from friends and mentors on Facebook, these little shots of inspiration and happiness can boost your well being and immune system in an instant. Anything to get those good chemicals flowing for a happier, healthier life! Enjoy :)

New Moon Super Power

Here is my New Moon Super Power spread guided by Tarotize.

1. Super Power : Ace of Wands, serving as a source of inspiration, human kindness and compassion, "most sympathetic to the human condition".  This is not new news to me, though I keep thinking I'm going to get a knock on the head that tells me to be more diligent in my work and work harder, but this spread seems to be showing me where I'm wrong in that regard.  Just being me and learning to love my innate awesomeness is going to move me into my better self.

2. Which area of my life this affects: Queen of Swords, the practical, stone cold, "realistic" part that needed to be told that there is more at play here than the inellectual world can understand. I'm trying to bury my more spiritual and loving lessons by listening to the inner critic that keeps telling me to just snap out of it and get back to the real world.  The Queen of Swords is a woman who has been through many life experiences, happy and sad, and has grown very intelligent in her life wisdom, but here I feel the advice to not let that make me grow cold or shield myself because of the pain I've experienced, but rather use the Ace of Wands to warm up and melt a little.

3.  How to nourish this super power every day: Knight of Pentacles... he is tired, defensive, ready to rest and  rejuvenate.  Looks like my time of rest is not done yet.  My mind is eager to get on to my "real life" but my spirit and body know that it is not yet ready.  I have to find more joy in this forced vacation, instead of sitting in my beautiful garden with my defenses up... that will not help me to recover.

I am slightly surprised by this reading because I wanted it to tell me how I could work all day every day on my art and move forward with that and gain energy by doing that work, but it looks like I'm just not there, that my current purpose focus is in being me and inspiring myself and others in my healing journey.  Sitting down to do art drains me terribly right now, but hopefully when this super power is activated my lifes work will come with more ease and joy and I can REALLY contribute to the world.

This guided reading goes hand in hand with my new Super Better mission as inspired by Jane McGonigal:


Namaste!

RaMaDaSa meditation for today

adventure is out there!

While I am currently going through a whole bag of emotions about my vacation and eventual move to Europe, I have also taken stock in understanding that this is the moment where all my decisions to change my life are coming to fruition.  My little sister is pregnant with her second child, and while having a baby is a wonderful and miraculous experience, I shared with her that I understand how even though there are some experiences that are wonderful, it doesn't mean they aren't hard, in fact, most wonderful things come about from tests of extreme endurance, heart, strength, and faith.  My adventure is one of those things, but what would life be without them?  Thankfully I am a person who loves and embraces change, is excited to see life from many angles, but that doesn't mean I am not scared.  Game of Thrones taught me two things last season, that if you're not scared of a great adventure, then you're stupid, and that there can be no bravery if there is no fear. So I take great meaning from the feelings I am having, and know that instead of shying away from them I can swim through them, one strong stroke at a time, and hopefully I can remember to stay present enough to remember the experience in order to fully reap the rewards of it.

Being ill has had its challenges, and as I'm approaching my 30's it becomes more clear how much of a normal 20's experience I have missed... but I comfort myself remembering that most lives are not normal at all, especially not the ones of heroes.  Even though I didn't accomplish certain goals I thought I might have, I have also done things I never thought I would ever in my life be able to do.. become an animator and filmmaker, win a presentation competition at Walt Disney Imagineering, live and travel abroad for 9 months with a backpack when I was only 20 years old, complete graduate school and receive my MFA from UCLA, I got to come full circle back to LA and become part of a community that changes the world with art, I had the opportunity to grow up with my parents and siblings who taught me more about love and myself than I ever could have learned elsewhere, I become a producer of a 500+ guest film festival and reception two years in a row, I've had the opportunity to work professionally (with the most FANTASTIC clients!!!) as an artist and animator, and find my compadres, my people, and my best friends in the world in my graduate school program. My tribe! My TRIBE! I found my tribe and am sooo blessed to know you all.

The role spirit plays in all of this is the greatest of all, not because I believe some external extraterrestrial is guiding the forces of my life, because spirit is what is within me that can witness the greatness, the bigness, and the small tiny wonderfulness of my life and my experiences. Spirit is what keeps my treasures the delicate tastes of the now rather than something to be pursued in a never-existent future.  Spirit is what reminds me that this IS the game, and Adventure is OUT THERE because it is IN HERE first.

Watch this space... life is happening.

My Favorite Inspiration

As an unconventional student of Spirit I'm always looking for open-minded inspiring resources... I'd like to share with you some of my favorites. As well as being a student of A Course in Miracles, I also always sign up for the Chopra Center's seasonal meditation challenges, devour books by Martha Beck, Marianne Williamson, and the Dalai Lama, and continue to take part in my mind-body healing journey (striving for full health after 6 years with Post Viral Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome or ME/CFS) with The Optimum Health Clinic.

Facebook is a fantastic way for me to get inspirational quips all day long that keep me coming back to the light when things get tough.. here are my favorite Inspiring Facebook Pages!

Access Consciousness
Dr. Dain Heer
That Guy Who Loves The Universe
A Course In Miracles
Colors of Our Life
Marianne Williamson
Let Me See Love

Enjoy!!! =D

Sermon and Prayers for Memorial Day

I know this is late but I was caught up in not feeling very well all weekend and saw Marianne Williamsons lecture/sermon/prayer for Memorial day just last night and listened to it before bed.  It's about an hour long but is very inspirational and brings you back to spirit about the lives that have been lost in war and how we can pray for peace. The closing prayer made me feel so lovely and powerful and peaceful all at once.

Click Here to Listen to Marianne Williamson's Memorial Day Talk

I've been away!

The last month has been really challenging for me, but I'm on my way to bigger things. I have been absent from a lot of my spirit work, Tarot hasn't been speaking to me clearly and my sleep has been too interrupted to concentrate on dreams. Despite that I have kept up with my spiritual practice, studying a course in miracles and keeping up with my affirmations and prayers, and short moments of meditation. I recently received a wonderful angel Tarot reading from Mistic Tarot which reflected a  lot my need for self reflection and more quiet time inside me. That's hard to get these days but the affirmation was important to have.

The prayer I have hanging above my monitor I read many times a day, keeps me in line with some of my wishes:

Dear Universe,
I wish to live my life with a sense of ease and joy. I choose this now.
Life strengthens me and work satisfies me. My life is filled with purpose and passion.
I work effectively and efficiently with little effort.
I am care free and all of my needs are taken care of easily.
It is easy for me to find comfort and enjoyment, and I am truly fulfilled by my daily life.
Prosperity and luck flow through me generously because I know that all wealth and abundance that come to me will be shared with the world to increase infinite abundance for all.
My life and my work serve the world and give me everything I need.
Amen

My morning prayer goes like this:

Dear God,
I give you this day, the fruit of my labors and the desires of my heart.
Deliver to me remembrance of my holiness and wholeness... for myself and for my brothers and sisters.  My life flows effortlessly and is filled with miraculous and joyful experiences.
I do not need to worry about what to say or what to do for He who sent me will direct me. My work is easy and meaningful.  I am open to receive health, love, wisdom, and wealth.  I wake up today and I am refreshed and revitalized, strengthened by life, every breath a new beginning, every breath fresh karma.

Help me remember that I can bless this day, I am making miracles, and that I am of the same mind as the ever expansive, beautiful, and loving  Universe.
Amen

I attempted to do my own angel reading last night because Angels just keep popping up everywhere, but this deck is hard for me to connect with.  The overall message I got was a re-iteration of my journey through the flames to come out Gold... well at least that's the first part... the rest of the cards I had a very hard time connecting with and understanding. I do much better with symbolism and metaphors. So if anyone has any idea about these cards I'd be glad to hear it :)

Hopefully if all goes according to plan I'll be blogging from Germany next month.  Waiting is the hardest thing to do! But if you remember my annual reading in January, May was my month for 14M Patience, and June 21M The Universe/The World... so it should all go according to plan.

Happiness to you all! I know this journey can be very confusing sometimes, but let's just have fun with it, right?!

Dream: Calling all Angels

I had this very powerful dream a few weeks ago and a friend asked me to share:

I dreamed I was in a food hall like on a camp ground, where all the families from the camp site come in and have dinner, like a cafeteria.  My food looks delicious but has hair in it, so it is not appetizing to eat.  A bell rings to call attention to everyone in the mess hall ... it is my family and many families and people I don't know, though we're all in the camp together. (This is like a recreational summer camp, not like a prison camp).

The bells ring and they announce for everyone to gather together for an announcement. Everyone gathers and talks quietly. Into the room enters a few nuns, dressed in black in the old catholic style. 

 A skinny nun with darker skin comes straight to me, and she seems threatening but I soften my heart to hear what she has to say to me.  She asks me if I've spoken to God and I say yes. She asks me to walk with her. We leave the room and walk outside, up a hill towards a tree.  She asks me, "Why don't your friends and family talk to God? They do not love God?" and I reply, "The God they have been taught to know is the Devil taking God's name. They do not want to speak with a God who demands to call himself God, They do not know of God's love because the Devil has claimed God's message and name for himself."  after saying that the nun turned into a banshee... a flying screaching black demon of smoke, and she flew to the tree. I did not know what she went to the tree for so I looked at the tree, curious. Up in the tree the branches turned to smoky demons all screeching at me, and I ran, and they chased me. I ran as fast as I could and the demons could not keep up.

 I ran to a balcony overlooking the camp and I saw the sun coming up, or setting, I'm not sure which, it was a white sun on the horizon.  

I pounded on the balcony in a rythm like drums and started chanting singing "Calling All Angels" (just those words, and not exactly like the song but more chanting) over and over I pounded my hands on the balcony and chanted/sang "Calling All Angels, Calling All Angels" over and over and everyone in the camp joined me. All their voices joined me and all the pounding at the same time like we were drumming. It was like a crescendo of everyone singing and pounding together, all repeating, calling all angels, the feeling I had in my heart was so overwhelming I had tears streaming down my face. It was beautiful, a call for help but full of hope. I knew that all these people could see that they were the angels, that they were God, that together we are all God. 

I woke up with my heart pounding so hard!!! And the chanting was ringing in my ears for a long time after. It was a very powerful dream.

Kony 2012

I am a little bit late on this one! The Kony "Cover The Night" event was April 20, but I just saw this now even though people have been talking about it for a while. Here is my little bit, sharing it with you. I know with all my heart this will bring resolution to the violence Joseph Kony brings to the kids of Uganda.

http://www.kony2012.com/

Fail, Fail Again

I found this article tacked to my parents' kitchen wall today. Yes I am back at my parents' house, a boomerang for at least the 5th time, but always on my way to somewhere.  I realized that me overcoming this illness is not about returning to a "normal" life, it is about realizing my life was meant to be anything but normal, and I embrace that thought. I love creating my own rules for life and know that they lead me to greatness.

Now for some daily squee time:

Enjoy your Wednesday!

P.S. This video of this boy and his serval savannah cat made me odly very relaxed. Enjoy it!